2014 POP CULTURE FANTASY DRAFT
At this time of year grown men, and more and more women to be sure, start acting out a strange fantasy. Does it involve Jennifer Lawrence and a one time chance encounter fueled by too much wine and unbridled lust? Where she has just gotten a little tipsy after a long day of filming and meets you at the bar and asks you to buy her a drink but then she buys the drinks because she is crazy rich and then the two of you, oh, um, sorry. Got a little side tracked there. No, guys aren't dreaming of starring with Ms. Lawrence in "Hunger Games 5: Hungry Like the Wolf." Their fantasy is to be like Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, minus the crazy Joker smile and pulled back face (maybe). It's time for the NFL season to start and millions of people across the country are embroiled in fantasy football leagues. If you don't know about fantasy football, you basically pretend to be a GM and create your own team then go head to head with other "teams" in your league in a battle of statistics. The nerd factor is fantasy football's seldom discussed embarrassing uncle. So you draft players to your team based on past performance as well as what you think they will do in this upcoming season. The more statistics, or points, that player racks up, the better your chances of "winning" your "games."
What if we did a Pop Culture Fantasy Draft? No, your list shouldn't consist of Kate Beckinsale, Brad Pitt, or Sofia Vergara, it's not that kind of fantasy list. What if we did a draft based on who could score you the most fantasy Pop Culture points? Past performance would have to be considered and what the "player" can do in the future would have to be a factor. You may not particularly like the person you draft (I drafted Tom Brady in a fantasy league a couple of years ago, selling my soul to the devil in a move based on pure fantasy greed. And guess what? He blew out his knee in game 1 and missed the entire season. Thanks a lot dick!), but you have to recognize their talent and potential to get you points.
So here I go! I'll be drafting in the classic fantasy football order of QB, 2 wide receivers, a defense, and finally a kicker, because you HAVE to pick a kicker (BOOOO!) I feel my team will be UNSTOPPABLE!!
QUARTERBACK: TAYLOR SWIFT
Since 2006, Swift has sold over 26 millions CDs in an industry that doesn't sell CDs anymore. She has sold over 75 million digital downloads which is definitely the currency of today's youth. Has a Taylor Swift CD ever come out and tanked? Nope. Does she sell out arenas that used to be the "boys only" stomping grounds for major rock acts? Yes. She's music's MVP right now and really has dominated the scene for years in an industry that relegates you to "has been" status before you can say "One Direction." She's dependable and smart enough to mature her music as her audience matures. She started with Teardrops on Her Guitar and is now admonishing haters to go ahead and hate hate hate as she shakes you off. Dare I say it, she's the Tom Brady of music, with no knee blow outs on the horizon.
WIDE RECEIVER #1: CHRIS PRATT
In fantasy leagues, WRs are the speed merchants, getting you quick points as they rise to superstardom from relative obscurity. While Parks and Rec fans have been on to him for years, Chris Pratt literally became a Galaxy dominating star this year. He kicked it off with The Lego Movie and endeared himself to kids and grown ups alike in one of the best "kids" movies of the past decade. Then he merely followed that up by starring in Guardians of the Galaxy, the highest grossing (and to me best) movie of 2014. His comedic riff on the Han Solo type was charming as hell. Women seem to love him and guys would like to go have a beer with him. He's got Jurassic World coming up, the final season of Parks and Rec, and I still love him for whispering "Osama" in Zero Dark Thirty.
WIDE RECEIVER #2: ARIANA GRANDE
If you have a tween or teen daughter, then Ariana Grande is in your life whether you want her there or not. One day I thought a cat was being strangled in our kids TV room, which is weird since we don't have cats. When I ran to investigate, turns out my daughter was watching "Sam and Kat," some horrible Nickelodeon show that starred Ms. Grande and her bizarre voice. I couldn't tell if her voice was a put on or if she was a human AutoTune. Regardless, that wailing cat is now all over my radio. Her hit "Problem" was probably the Song of the Summer. She's got another hit song with "Break Free" and seems to be on an unstoppable rise to the top. Until she gets there, I still think her name sounds more like a Starbucks drink. (and her voice that of a strangled cat)
DEFENSE: MODERN FAMILY
You want your fantasy defense to be consistently strong, stable, and able to come up with a big score every once in a while. Modern Family has been all those things since debuting in 2009. Is it laugh out loud funny every week? Not always. But you can count on it not being bad, and that's tough to do these days. Every Fall networks launch new sitcoms that crash and burn before the snow flies. Modern Family has shown staying power. Every 3rd or 4th episode is great, and sometimes touching, and we can sit down as a family to watch it. Team Modern Family MVP awards go to Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy (my favorite TV dad of all time) and the cast of kids. It's hard to cast kids that aren't annoying "cute" or "clever." Modern Family's kids are sarcastic, devious, and sometimes just outright mean, you know, like real kids.
KICKER: BILLY EICHNER "BILLY ON THE STREET"
Kickers are oddballs, full of weird routines and superstitions. They are barely football players and at times barely look like athletes. But they are important and can win you games. They score points consistently and every once in a while hit a 60 yarder. Which brings me to Billy Eichner and "Billy on the Street." If you haven't seen this show, you should. It's easy to find on YouTube or Funny or Die and it basically involves him running around the streets of New York doing "man on the street" interviews with regular people. That's been done before, right? Never quite like Billy does it. His manic interview style and madcap disdain for the people who can't answer his questions is hilarious. He genuinely seems offended when people don't know that Kim Kardashian's booty in insured for 5 million dollars. What he is really doing is skewering our country's seemingly unending and dumb fascination with celebrities. Ironic since I am including him in my Pop Culture Fantasy Draft.
So my team will take on all challengers! Swift is calling the plays, Pratt and Grande are streaking up the field, Phil Dunphy is stumbling over a fumble, and Billy on the Street is yelling at you about it all.
I like our chances. Who you got?
